By Lisa Archer – Educational & Developmental Psychologist, Supervisor, Positive Behaviour Support Practitioner
Imagine walking along the street, and someone smiles at you, or says hello, remembering your name.
A moment like that can put some pep in your step, can shift a tricky morning into a brighter afternoon.
When people take time to connect with us, it makes us feel valued. We matter.
Why Connection Matters?
Connection is more than a feeling – it is a science!
- Brain changes: Human brains are wired for positive connections. Safe relationships help to regulate the nervous system and lower our stress hormones like cortisol.
- Hormones: When we have positive social interactions, our brain releases oxytocin. This hormone builds trust, safety, and sometimes love.
- Regulation of emotions: Positive relationships with safe adults provide modelling and support to calm big feelings when we are children. This builds resilience and helps us to manage challenging situations as adults.
Creating Change Through Connections
If you are interacting with someone and you feel that you are getting nowhere, take a step back.
Ask yourself, “Have I built a relationship yet?” or “Are we connected?”
It is going to be hard to take steps forward or help to create change in someone’s life if you do not first create the strong foundation of a relationship.
If you have been having difficulty working with someone, find a way to connect. Consider what their interests are, what their perspective is, so that you can try to put yourself in their shoes and genuinely connect.
Taking an interest in someone allows them to feel valued, to feel important. When someone feels that way, they will be more likely to listen to your ideas, to take suggestions, and to work collaboratively.
Strong connections can lead to:
- Lower levels of anxiety and depression
- Higher chance that the person will come to you if they are feeling unsafe or need help
- Stronger sense of self-worth
- More capacity to intervene if someone is doing something unhelpful
- Greater resilience and capacity to deal with challenging situations
Protective Factors
Each safe adult added to a child’s support network increases the chances of success and happiness at school, and in life.
A close relationship with at least one parent who provides affection and assistance and introduces organisation into a child’s life fosters resilience
Having a person outside the immediate family (e.g. grandparent, neighbour, friend) who forms a special relationship with a child can promote resilience.
Showing people that you have listened to them by asking a follow-up question, or doing what they have asked, will strengthen relationships and build personal value.
Quality counts – we do not need 100 “buddies”. Genuine connection can come from having 1-2 strong relationships that you can depend on.
Connections to Create Change
You as an individual have a lot of power to change the lives of others. You have the capacity to build a positive relationship with anyone that crosses your path.
Ways to build a connection:
- A friendly smile and a wave at the shops
- Ensuring to remember people’s names or something important to them (e.g. “How was your netball game on the weekend?”)
- Asking people about their interests
- Including people in a joke
- Practice active listening by giving people your full attention, which makes them feel valued when speaking to you
- Being open and authentic in your interactions – honesty increases connection
